I love the World Cup. I look forward to it every four years, and I’ve been watching each one religiously since I was a kid. I love football, but I’m not a football nut. At school, I was the chubby kid that no-one picked to be on their team, but that was fine. My interest was only ever spectatorial anyway. That’s the truth, by the way. I’m really not still sulking about it thirty years later.

Now, I know that you don’t always see the greatest football during the World Cup, despite the best players from each nation forming a team, but there’s still something special about this event. You get a taste of each nation by the way they play; the passion and joy of the Brazilians, the tactical ruthlessness and efficiency of the Germans, the great team spirit of the USA, and the bumbling, nostalgic optimism of the English. I mean, where else can you see England take on the USA, this side of the Boston Tea Party? Or North and South Korea come up against each other, without half a dozen other nations running onto the pitch to get involved? Sometimes, it’s those strangely politically charged matches that are the most entertaining. Everyone loves a grudge match. Or is that just the English?

So, here we go again. South Africa 2010. The qualifying matches have been completed, and the surviving 32 teams have kicked off. This has been the first set of matches, of the first round, of the first World Cup to be held on African soil. Vuvuzela!

Friday 11th June, and South Africa, who by tradition qualified for the tournament simply by virtue of the fact that they live there, take on Mexico to get the 2010 World Cup off to a deafening start. Deafening, of course, because of the vuvuzelas which seem to be mandatory for every African supporter. The long, noisy, plastic horn has been one of the great talking points of this tournament, with commentators, spectators and participants from all non-African nations whining about how distracting it all is. Personally, they don’t bother me at all. They just sound like a giant mosquito buzzing around the stadium. And it’s nowhere near as irritating as the inane noise coming from most of the English commentators, spouting such pearls of wisdom as ‘they have to score now’, perhaps for the benefit of those viewers who were wondering what those big nets at either end of the pitch were for. No, they aren’t there to catch the giant mosquito.

That first match ends in a draw, quickly followed by the second match, as Uruguay and France also find themselves wondering what the big nets are for, and leave the pitch with the score at 0-0. Football without goals is like sex without an orgasm, and you’d at least expect the French to understand that. South Korea fare better against hapless Greece, putting two past the team that won Euro 2004 simply by standing still in their own half. Argentina arrive to great fanfare, but only manage to score once against Nigeria’s superb goalkeeper, Victor Enyeama, who might as well be a fairytale giant, the way he seems to fill the whole goal. Conversely, Diego Maradona, sporting a bushy beard, looks a bit like a dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

England’s first match sees them run out against the USA. Should be easy beating a nation who believes kicking a ball is a crime against nature, right? Right. Steven Gerrard scores for England in the 4th minute, and for a moment it seems like maybe we might actually be a force to be reckoned with this time. Then, of course, England’s maddening passion for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory takes over as goalkeeper Robert Green forgets how to use his hands, resulting in a disastrous spill that the Americans can truly smile about. Yep, it’s another draw and it only gets worse when, the next day, Slovenia beat Algeria to shoot straight to the top of the group, leaving England and the USA joint second. We should be used to this by now.

Ghana beat Serbia, to become the first African nation to actually win a game in their own tournament. The giant mosquitoes are heard on the other side of the planet. Then up step the Germans, against an Australian team who are brimming with brashness and confidence. However, 90 minutes of that aforementioned Teutonic efficiency leave the Aussies four goals down and crawling from the pitch, begging for mercy. Yep, the Germans are scary. Holland despatch Denmark, 2-0, but still leave us feeling that Total Football has long since been replaced with Partial Football. Japan produce a surprise win over Cameroon, and it seems like those vuvuzelas might be getting a little quieter, just when they were starting to drown out the commentary. Next it is the turn of the reigning world champions, Italy, who are sporting the oldest team in the tournament. Paraguay, who clearly have no problem mugging the elderly, hold the Azzuri to yet another 1-1 draw. Isn’t anyone going to try and win a game? Well, not New Zealand and Slovakia, who offer us yet another tedious 1-1 result. But at least there are goals and we get our orgasm, right? Pay attention, Ivory Coast and Portugal. We don’t like zeroes and we don’t like Cristiano Ronaldo. Your match gives us both. Boo!

Next up is one of those matches that, on paper, seems to be a case of lambs to the slaughter; the might of Brazil against the minnows of North Korea. Five time champions Brazil clearly expect this to be fish in a barrel and, frankly, so do we. The tiny North Koreans, who from a distance look like an under-11 team, turn out to be one of the surprises of the tournament. That they lose 2-1 doesn’t take away from the fact that they play as if they’ll all be shot if they return to The Dear Leader™ empty handed. Which, let’s face it, may well be true. Rumours abound that Kim Jong-Il is text messaging the manager with instructions, and Chinese actors have been hired to play supporters in the crowd. I wonder if David Cameron has been texting Fabio Capello. It would explain an awful lot.

Chile beat Honduras 0-1, but let’s be honest, who really cares? Then the European champions, and tournament favourites, Spain spend 90 minutes passing the ball beautifully around the Swiss, only for Switzerland to pinch a goal as soon as they manage to grab the ball for five minutes. The shock result of the tournament so far as the Spaniards lose their opening game. That’s what you get for being show-offs. See that big net over there, Señor?

The first round of matches has been played. All 32 teams have shown us what they have, or more accurately, what they don’t have. On the whole, it’s been a pretty mundane start to the tournament, but there have been enough little surprises to hint at some drama to come. As to who is going to win this thing? Well, the past 16 games have made that less clear, rather than more so. And that’s a good thing.

Star Performer – Nigeria goalkeeper Victor ‘I will pluck the ball from the air as if I were a giant magnet’ Enyeama

Total Buffoon – England goalkeeper Robert ‘The ball is gradually rolling toward me so I’ll just fall over and hope for the best’ Green

More next week. Same place, same noise. Get used to it.